Early one morning I sat down to my usual cup of coffee and my daily planner. It was a morning just like any other morning, only this morning I had the sudden realization that I was in danger of wasting my life.
The panic set in almost immediately as I felt the years I had left were slipping by. And I sat with the question: what do I want from life? I have since termed this question "the change question" for obvious reasons.
So, I had to get honest with myself. What do I want from life?
The answer was easy. I want to be happy. ...not just in the casual "I want to be happy" way you would imagine-smiling, passionate, in love, all my needs met kind of way. No, I want to be "HAPPY" as if it were a label. Happy in a way that just by knowing me, others might know what it is. My answer wasn't just I want to be happy, it was I want to be happy. I knew what unhappy was-it was dark. And now I knew what happy was-it was light. To be that light, that is what I wanted as I sat there ruminating with the change question.
Here I was married to the greatest man on the planet, blessed with three healthy sons and two healthy daughters, living in a home bigger and more lovely than I had ever imagined for myself. My relationships with family and friends were better than they ever had been. Even my schedule was fully booked with personal training and coaching clients-the career goal I had worked so hard to achieve! Life was great. It really was. Yet, there I sat-discontented.
Discontented. A word that doesn't usually get placed in a story of happiness. And here it was. My story of happiness had intersected with discontent. Or was it something else? I had been feeling uninspired lately. Out of alignment with myself. I had felt it coming as I slowly let myself be tempted toward fame over virtue. Each time the icky feeling of promoting a product, or a powder or a program came up I'd push it away telling myself I couldn't help this many people on my own. I'd make the excuse it was the products that lured them in...and if I wasn't willing to sell my own powders and pills, I wasn't going to have any clients. Limiting beliefs can be suffocating!
I wasn't depressed or having a midlife crisis. But I was continually questioning; is this all I'm meant to do? Is this really it?
The feeling that something was missing was relentless.
I sat there, with my coffee, feeling like I should be content. Why couldn't I just be grateful for what I had and why was I failing to appreciate it? Obvious, isn't it? The woman I wanted to be and the woman I was, in that moment, were not in alignment. Who I was, was slowly moving further and further away from who I wanted to be.
I wanted to function at a higher level as a wife and a mom. I wanted to be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter. I wanted to be a better coach, more specifically I wanted to coach without the limitations I'd allowed myself to be chained to.
Its like the song from my childhood, This Little Light of Mine. I am that light. I want to shine. I want to shine so brightly that it lights up the dark in others. I want to be happy on purpose until those around me know what it feels like to be happy themselves! Except, I'm at that part in the song where you take your hand and "hide" the light under a bushel. I hastily pinned myself under that basket in an effort to speed up my career goals. And in the process, I'd hidden that light from anyone not under that same basket to see it.
And now, here I am. To the part of the song where I say "NO", and remove the basket. I step out from its shadow and let my little light shine. Now, there's a new fear. Will someone try to blow it out? Possibly, but for now....this little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine. Let it shine. All the time. Let it shine!
So dear friend in the dark, come closer. Let me let my light shine for you. Let me light up your life.
Like a candle lighting another candle, I want to show you how to design a life that makes you incredibly happy.
...and so. I've created Live Happy On Purpose. A community. A movement. A mentality. Join the Live Happy On Purpose community on Facebook where I'll share a new skill each month to help you design the life you desire.
Coach Kate, BS, ACE, ACSTH